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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28699872">Logan x ableist!Illumi</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/satan_gutz/pseuds/satan_gutz'>satan_gutz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I am the funniest man alive [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chronic Illness, Crack, Disabled Character, Enjoy!, I think that’s it, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Slurs, THIS IS NOT AN X READER, but in a funny way, collab with my friend LMAO, pls don’t take this seriously, pls we are so funny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:41:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>945</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28699872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/satan_gutz/pseuds/satan_gutz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>😏‼️</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Illumi/Logan (original character), Illumi/Original Character, Illumi/original male character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>I am the funniest man alive [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104269</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Logan x ableist!Illumi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a JOKE me and my friend wrote together. </p><p>TW: use of Transphobic, Homophobic, and Ableist slurs/language!! All slurs used are slurs we can reclaim!! </p><p>Pls don’t read this if you can’t take a joke.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Logan wheeled into a living room in the zoldyck estate, his presence catching the attention of Illumi by the rattling of his multiple pill cases full of prescription medications that he kept strapped to him at all times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi pushed Logan out of his wheel chair “stupid fag,” he said, his bad boy eyes flashing, “crawl over here my sexy little handicapped parking space.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi sat in Logan’s chair and watched as he did the worm across the floor to reach him, “Hisoka couldn’t come, he said we're too old for him, also he doesn’t date trannies,” Illumi moved in to kiss Logan, when they frenched he stopped. “why the fuck do you have Advil shoved in your cheeks like a squirrel?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan was about to respond when suddenly they heard footsteps at the door, the two whirled around “hola whities!” a voice said, with confident mexican swagger, Kyra!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Logan could respond Illumi turned back to him, pulling him up on his lap, “c'mere my saucy little vegetable 😏” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan turned in Illumis lap to face Kyra, “Kyra!” Logan exclaimed, so excited at least 7 painkillers fell out of his mouth “do me a fav and get me a drink so I can actually swallow my meds,” “of course me amigo!” Kyra said with a wink, handing Logan a bottle of some liquid, Logan took a sip and spit it up along with more pills “what the fuck is this?” He yelled “HOT SAUCE! Would you like some cocaine as well?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, you spit up hot sauce? Crippled bitch you can’t handle anything, can you?” Illumi spoke into Logan’s ear then grabbed his face sexily “swallow them with this, fag,” he then spat in Logan’s mouth. If Logan had a dick he‘d have a huge boner right now. He swallows Illumis spit and his painkillers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So no cocaine?” Kyra spoke, interrupting Logan and Illumis hot sexy gay moment “more for me then!” She exclaimed and snorted a line. Illumi ignored the spicy woman and pulled Logan in for a sloppy kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyra went to remove her jacket, a crunching noise came from the sleeves, she shook it out and multiple costco sized bags of tortilla chips fell out, she then hung up her sombrero and started playing a sexy tune on her maracas as Logan and Illumi continued to make out. Illumi pulled back and wrinkled his nose, “You smell like rubbing alcohol and Advil,” he said grumpily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to put up with it or I won’t let you use my handicap pass to get the good parking!” Logan snarked, tipping over as Illumi got up and his wheelchair was once again yanked out from under him, illumi barely acknowledged it, knowing only muttering the words “gender therapy” would make Log forget all about it and he’d be back in the mood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi rolled his eyes at the sight of Logan on the floor, “get the fuck up pathetic whore,” Illumi said and kicked Logan’s side, causing the smaller man to just moan in arousal, “wow.” He picked up Logan once again and sat him in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi leaned closer as Kyra’s maraca tune grew spicier and spicier, she was also simultaneously playing a trumpet and doing a mexican hat dance. Illumi leaned closer to Logan “how about we go buy crutches for half price at cvs for a little turn on 😏” he murmured. It was too much for Logan who passed out from sheer sexiness and also the fact that he was chronically ill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just as Illumi was about to leave with Logan the door swung open again and revealed two more figures. Katie and Tj!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck do these dykes keep getting onto my property?” Illumi wondered aloud. Tj ignored Illumi and Logan, approaching Kyra, taking her trumpet and hitting her over the head with it. As the two began to fight Katie ran up two the couple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“ILLUMI! Please kiss me right now! I am begging you!” the lesbo exclaimed, falling to her knees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Katie for the last time, my heart is already taken by this useless piece of shit right here, I cannot kiss you,” to this Katie started sobbing, the sound awoke Logan who didn’t acknowledge his bestie asf and immediately started to kiss Illumi as if he had never passed out. Fucking idiot probably didn’t even realize he did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“LOGAN, ILLUMI, WHYYY 😭😭😭” Katie continued to sob. Logan finally unlocked lips with Illumi and turned to Katie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh hey babe!” Logan exclaimed, ignoring (or already forgetting) Katie’s cries. Illumi sighed, exasperated by the woman's crying, he pulled out a needle and threw it right at her head and she died. Illumi was about to “apologize” to Logan for killing his bestie asf but he had already fallen back asleep in Illumi’s arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Illumi placed Logan haphazardly in his wheelchair and pushed his unconscious body out of the room, briefly glancing to see Tj and Kyra had stopped fighting and were now making out, he then took a bag of cocaine from Kyra’s stash on his way out. When he left the room he saw his little brother, Kalluto.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, when the dyke’s are done shaking up can you make sure they leave?” he asked “there’s also a dead body in there, feed it to Mike pls”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Kalluto replied as Illumi walked away, wheeling Logan with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Logan finally woke up they were in... A SEX DUNGEON? That’s right! Then they had hot gay sex (like full on gay naked rough sweaty pig sex where Illumi’s grabbing the inside of Logan’s  mouth and pulling him back while hitting it from behind ❤️💯).</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The End~</span>
</p>
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